My worst fear?

This might sound completely pathetic and selfish, but my worst fear right now is getting into a car crash on the way to the MTC.
Even just writing this I sound completely stupid.
But really. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry and go into a state of depression. So I'm going to make this quick. If I died, that would be ok... then I could just serve a mission in heaven. If I didn't die, and was even a little bit injured my mission would have to be pushed back.
Pushed back.
I do not think my poor heart could handle that. I know that sounds completely selfish, but I just want to serve a mission so badly, and it is literally so close I can taste it (I'm not kidding).

To go along with that I will not and CANNOT let any of these things happen-
Serious Diseases or any sickness really
Food Poisoning
Robbery
Car Problems
Weird things that develop like teeth issues or I dunno... skin issues...

I can't think of anymore.

Really ANYTHING that will keep me off my mission. I need to be extremely careful... I think I might just have to lock myself up in my room for 7 days until I know the coast is clear...

This is seriously the most frightening thing in the world to me right now.

Having trust in Him.

I love playing the piano. I don't know if you knew that, but really that's because I have no idea who reads this... but I can play most of the hymns (known hymns.. not like I'm a Pilgram I'm a Stranger) and if I haven't played it before,  I usually don't have a hard time playing it (Exception- True to the Faith)
I have been playing the piano for about 10 years. I know, that sounds like a long time. You would think I would be this really good piano player. Well, I'm not. It's not my talent or skill even a little bit. I do not come from an extremely musically talented family... I have had to work like a crazy person (I usually sit and play the piano for about 30min-1 hour a day) just to be able to play the hymns. The thing I hate about it, I can only sight read. I have no musical ability whatsoever; so sitting and making up a song will never happen. I can't even hear it or pick something out... I can only read the music. Which has been a very good thing for me, and I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father has given me the ability to do it.
Ok. Enough on that.
I was thinking about it the other day... I am probably going to lose a lot of my piano playing ability on my mission. We won't have a piano (obviously) and I will probably never have to opportunity to go to a church on my p-day to practice for a while. Besides that, how much do you think my companion would like that?
So it was kind of bumming me out. But then I remembered a conversation with a costumer at Costco that I had a while back. She was telling me about how her granddaughter wanted to serve a mission, but was an amazing gymnast. She was afraid that she would lose everything if she went on a mission for a year and a half. The grandma then told me that she explained to her that if she had faith, did what Heavenly Father wanted her to do, and trusted in him, that it would all work out for the best. The best meaning that she could come back and pick up where she left off. Or come back and be even better than she was before. Or maybe come back and not be able to do it anymore, but find a different path to go on.
When I remembered that I was soooooo happy. That little dumb fear of losing my piano playing abilities was completely gone. I know that what I am doing is exactly what my Heavenly Father wants me to be doing. And that's all that matters. If we follow him and do what he asks, everything else will work out the way that it is supposed to. :)

2 more days...

I have 2 more days until my whole life is changed forever!!! I will be getting my call on Wednesday... I have very mixed emotions. I know I'm going to ball. I know that no matter where I get called it will be where I am meant to go. People have been asking me where I want to go. My first answer- I really don't care! Then they ask, "No. If you could go anywhere!"My second answer- Australia, Italy, France.  Then they ask, "Ok where do you not want to go?" My first answer- I will still go anywhere! I wouldn't even be disappointed if I went to Salt Lake!
Well fellas... I'm here to tell you that is only partially true. I have a strong testimony that where ever I am called it is where I am meant to go. But I also know me... I know that when I open my call and if I see Utah, Idaho, or Arizona I might be slightly disappointed... and that's just me being honest. I have no idea why that would upset me... it's not like I would start crying because I was so sad, I would probably still cry because I knew that is where I am supposed to be...and I would be so happy. It isn't about me, it's about the people that need the gospel and I am just an instrument in His hands. This is no vacation... but I would also like to be a little farther away from home than that. And I know that it would be good for me.
But- clarifying again, I know that I will go where I am supposed to go! Even if it is Provo Utah! :)

Also- I have had 2 different dreams about where I am going to go.
The first one was Saturday night- I had a dream I was going somewhere... I don't remember where because even in my dream I didn't know. People would ask me where I was going and I would say I don't remember and they would be so confused... but wherever I was going I was speaking "WAVES" as a language... hey guess what guys... that is NOT a language... weird dream.

The second dream- This one was last night (Sunday) I had a dream I was going to a place in South America that started with an F (hey guess what guys... this does not exist either). It was the poorest place in the world...

These super weird dreams probably mean nothing... but they are pretty hilarious!

Here we go adulthood...

Here we go with just some more thoughts. I can't seem to just separate everything that's going on and everything that I'm thinking into separate posts so they will just stay in one.

Whhhhhhheeeeewwwwww. That's pretty much how I feel right now. For a couple different reasons. That biggest one- I just got done working out. I always thought that I hated working out. But to tell you the truth, I actually like it quite a lot. The only thing I hate is working out with people. I run on the canal trail by my house so people can't watch me. I also hate running with people. I just like going at my own pace and I almost feel like I do better if I do. I ran 2 miles in 20min. Now- I know that's not that good. But you have to give me a break because I haven't really done much exercising all summer. I mean I haven't really just been a couch potato, because I hike, swim, walk, STAND (a lot of that at work) and just lots of stuff. But I've also been eating crappier than ever, which in turn has made me a chubsta ;) so I've been working on that, and hopefully when I move back into my apartment (which is the next whhhheeewwww) I can buy healthier foods and stick to my plan for my workouts!
Ok- now my next whhheeew like I said is that I'm moving into my apartment on Friday.... or Saturday... I dunno yet! I moved more than half my stuff in yesterday. I actually have a lot less stuff now. I'm my mothers daughter and don't mind throwing things away, so that's what I did when I first moved out, and then when I moved back home. So, here we go again, more trash. Besides that, you know how when you are cleaning out your closet and you always think that you're going to wear "that one shirt" sooner or later. It fits and everything, you just never wear it. Well- I had a lot of those. So, I got rid of them. The result- only 3 1/2 boxes of clothes! I'm still deciding if that was a good thing or not, now that I write it, that is not very many clothes (for a girl... I think).

Seriously. Stop reading now. I'm just venting my sob story that's in my head.

But that weird thing, I feel like I'm actually an adult now.... I have no idea why. But everything feels different this year. I'm kind of thinking that I actually have a car, 2 jobs, I found my own apartment, and I feel like I've learned a lot this summer, about myself and just life in general, which has helped me mature a little more. That scares me a little. This year ACTUALLY feels like I'm going out on my own. It almost feels like my first year of college, but a little less nerve racking.
Oh! Another reason I'm freaking out. My GPA is LITERALLY .01 away from me NOT being on warning. Yes. I know what you are thinking. Because you are right, that is a really really bad GPA. I know that I will do better this semester though, I was just an idiot last year, so I need some forgiveness. So because of that, apparently I cannot get financial aid. Which is a big problem. Yeah, I have enough money saved for tuition and maybe books. But that's it folks. What about rent and next semester? Good thing I still have my jobs. But still.... I'm super worried. But I'm going to go and talk to someone about it, maybe they can help. But who knows.

I don't know if I like this adulthood thing. Money is such a big stresser.

Man. I really do love life! :D

Sometimes I think about really weird stuff.

This time when my mind wandered I thought- "Am I afraid to die?"

It was kind of a weird one, I'd never really thought about it surprisingly.

But- you know what- I really am not afraid to die. That is all because of my religion. We never learn that death is a scary thing or that we should be afraid. All I know is that when I die, I get to see a lot of people that I love again. Who would be afraid of that? I also get to be a missionary! Come on. Let's be real. Best things ever! So I could see why a lot of people would be really afraid of dying, but not me! I wish I could tell everyone to not be afraid because really, it's a lot better up there! Not that down here is bad, because I love it down here as well! I can't imagine how it is up there!

Car Shopping & Dentists

2 things... 

1

 I am sooooo glad that my mom likes car shopping. Actually, not like, she absolutely loves it! More than anything! I asked her if we could go look around and she was like YES! I wish it was like that when we went shopping because I usually have to drag her screaming and keep her entertained with snacks and iPhone games when we go shopping for clothes. But I am really glad because I do not know anything about cars, and since she likes it, I know that she won't stop until I get the car I want for the price I want. But, I'm not a huge fan of it... 

2 

I. Do. Not. Like. The. Dentist. 

Going along with that... 

I. Do. Not. Like. The. Oral. Surgeon. 

Although I do not like those things, I do like my dentist as a person. And I do like the man who is going to take out my wisdom teeth, as a person. 

I just hate people touching my teeth. I have really sensitive teeth and I just cannot handle it!!!! Besides that, I always brush my teeth super good and when I went to the orthodontist and even when I go to the dentist they always say wow you have really pretty nice teeth. Whatever. Ya right. Tell that to my cavities. Seriously! I can't even explain. I hate that place!! 

Also, I do not get numb easily... so I can feel some of it when they do my cavities. Ouch. It hurts so bad. I just want to scream and yank those creepy tools out of my mouth, punch someone and cry. It's the worst. Give me a million shots all over my body before you touch my teeth. 

So, that's why I am really dreading getting my wisdom teeth out. Of course, I'm being put out because from what I just explained, I obviously could not handle it. But it still freaks the crap out of me! Surgery. In my mouth?? Is there anything worse? Not that I can think of. 

Ewwwww! June 12th, stay away!!!!! 

I would like to see my reaction to the meds though... when I was young I went insane when they put me on this stuff, my mom said never again. So here we go again.... Don't worry. I'll make my mom video tape. Unless it's totally boring. 

This is pretty much how I feel. Times 10.